It's not easy.

My uncle passed away just now due to lungs problem. I wish I could be there in my hometown by my aunty's side. She's like a mother to me. And to my cousins, I hope they can handle this very well. I know how hard it is to send a parent to his final resting place. It seems like the air is being sucked out of you. Unreal. Sadness crushing you to the bone and deep inside you are screaming to get out of the nightmare- which sadly is the reality.

Up till now I still get the feeling to call home to talk with my father. Then I suddenly realised that he's no longer there. I miss him. Since I've started working, there were two occasions when I ran to the surau and sobbed just because I missed him. Every tiny prick could made me burst into tears. And all I know is the guys are afraid to make fun of me because there was this one time they were calling me 'mak cik', all 3 of them while laughing. And I was there all alone tak de geng nak back up I, straightaway said 'tak baik buli anak yatim' and made my way out of there (to surau to cry). It wasn't really about the name calling, but geez I don't know why I said that. When I got back to my workstation, I could see that they were freaking out and thank god they apologised. I know you might think that was so immature of me to act like that, making daddy's demise as an excuse but I wish I could be stronger to face the upcoming days. I guess underneath the brave cape that I'm wearing, there are pieces that are so fragile which a poke could shatter them.

I've noticed that most of the posts in this blog relates to Ayoh's demise. I've tried to write about something fun, something lively but writing them aren't as easy as writing on how I'm dealing with all this. So I guess this blog is going to be my mourning space for now. Lend me your ears, or in this case eyes and shoulders boleh?

ps: I went to work today. On Sunday. Can you believe it?